Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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