so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
