if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
the night ended with taco bell and tears
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
