fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Two words: blizzard sex
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
