dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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