im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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