After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
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I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
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I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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