you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
As shirtless as possible
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
