and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
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