I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
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