I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
