I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
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all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
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Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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