We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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