I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
