First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.