i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
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when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
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I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.