you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
