Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Randomize
