I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
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I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
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Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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