I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
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I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
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His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
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