Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
i love accidental penises.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
