I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
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My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
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You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
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