return my video game
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.