She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
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Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
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This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.