My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I look better un-naked...
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
