I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
