hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
