Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
