Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
