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There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
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