Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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