I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
