The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
