He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
