her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
