im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
