On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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