honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
