so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
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After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
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Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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