turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
