I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize