I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Randomize
