He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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