Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
