life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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