Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
