NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
