just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
