I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
