I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
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I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
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PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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