My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
