party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Randomize
