Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
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drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
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Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize