just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize