Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
