i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
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maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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