I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
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