When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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