I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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